apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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