I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
