dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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