Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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