I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
