wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
