just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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