i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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