How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
