I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize