I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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