I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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