I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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