My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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