I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
