you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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