I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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