I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
