Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
