At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You've changed since you got that strap on
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
