So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
