theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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