Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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