I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
