Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
