He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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