come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This house was built for laser tag.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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