We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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