this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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