where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
