im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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