Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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