Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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