Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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