I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
