sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
