They have a pepper shaker for pot.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
