She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
