I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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