It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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