omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
