Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
