guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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