i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
