dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
