Your face is a jimmy john
I need help removing her.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
