If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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