Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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