we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize