my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
