Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
