It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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