I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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