My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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