i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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