Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
