You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
