thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
