Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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