I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
