Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
