Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
