Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
