I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You pole danced in your parka.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
