We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
