Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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