A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
