the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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