Don't make out with my wife yet
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
