one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
