onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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