Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
