he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
