I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so let's talk penis.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
